All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
These are so Plastic Man-core
Muppet Screams
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”