Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

I don’t believe him.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

wishing you and yours all the best

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.