all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…