Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Looking at you, Jesus.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?