all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.