Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

ACED my prostate exam!

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Sell your car

scenes of unspeakable carnage

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.