All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
You Might Also Like
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man