All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Is this a threat?
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing