Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.