“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.