“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”