“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
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How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
By Kate Hatos
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
🤣😂
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked