Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”