All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*