All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
This forever.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same