Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

We need to put an American base on the sun

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one