All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
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I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Whisper out to librarians!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Ferrari squats
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.