All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
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Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.