All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge