Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

I feel this so hard

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.