All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”