All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
worst…sale…ever
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.