All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.