All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
They got Raph!
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?