All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
pictures of spider-man
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.