Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

The glockness monster

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys