All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Cool shirt 🙂
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth