All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
These are so Plastic Man-core
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.