All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.