Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

If you know, you know 😂🚔

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

real

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

😜

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.