All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”