All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
nature’s most graceful animal
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.