All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You Might Also Like
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.