All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
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KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you