All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!


That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11


[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later


Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here


If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.


I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.


Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones


DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.


Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.