Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”