All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.