All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
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I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
