All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
CRYING
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!