Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow