Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

#StillHurts

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

Worst Native American name ever.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not