Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

they really do be looking like this

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

I’m glutton sensitive. I overreact when people eat more than their fair share of pizza.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

wtf is a larm clock?

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.