Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder