All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
I need to get some bricks…
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them