All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Swedish for common sense.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Do not steal food from the science building!
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.