God has abandoned us.
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Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
i meant to share this earlier
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*