Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb

Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.