Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

But I really needed water water water

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.