all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?