Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat