All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
