All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”