Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

That’s amazing.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.