All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
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I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I beg your pardon?
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I’m an avid indoorsman.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?