All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Me, trying to settle down in bed.
My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.
Anyone know an exorcist?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.