All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.