All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
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[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.