All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?