All I want in life is a regular status report about Keira Knightley called the Knightley News.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
2022 be like
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
finally
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.