All I want in life is a regular status report about Keira Knightley called the Knightley News.
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
There’s no “u” in narcissist
expecting to live rent-free in my mind? good luck being homeless
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over