All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.