All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it