Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

🍂🕷️🍂

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Cake!!

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge