All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
#oldknees
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.