All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
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Me: Same
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
got so much cardio in today
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.