All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
this article brought to you by lions
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.