“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
i need a six-month vacation twice a year