Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

meanwhile over on facebook

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

It will always be this

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.