“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
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jesus christ confetti not now
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I thought this was funny lol
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.