all i want is to be as happy as this potato
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Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
My neighbor still has their Christmas tree in the window when am I supposed to call the police?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.