all i want is to be as happy as this potato
You Might Also Like
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*