Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

What number SPF blocks people?

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on