All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Alexa turn off the planet
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.