Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

same energy

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

girls literally only want one thing..

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.