All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
(by @ZachWeiner )
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.