All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
just having fun
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.